Blue Eyes

Waking up, I’m crying,

One look into those deep pools of azure,

My eyes dry.

The rough skin of your palm brushes my fingers,
The sun warms your ever cold ears,
I look up and your smile reaches my lips.

There is nothing like you – my antidote.
My knight without his own armour, his own troubles.
Our arms are our castle, and we are the only army.

The cloudless sky shines to match your eyes,
The eyes that pull me in, as I am willingly taken.
Diving into the deep pools, to be devoured fully and wantonly.

Secure

When the silence of my surroundings become too loud, I open my window and allow the sounds of the city sooth & smooth me.

The windows and doors closed, with the quiet screaming at me. I used to let it be that way. I blinked, and it was light. The curtains were open, the window pushed up to its full potential. I know now, I won’t float away, out and away from myself.

I’m not empty enough anymore.

I’m heavy with love. The most engulfing sensation.

I roll around and you’re there. Breathing deep, lost in sleep, I, lost in your smell.

I wrap myself up between you & the duvet, like a layered cake, sweet & whole.

I look over to my made bed, you’ve gone, but I still see you laying there:

Comfortable.

Happy.

And secure.

23:07 | 31st Jan’16

‘I want to fall in love with his eyes & his lips, so that when he sleeps, I can stare at his mouth and still keep falling. I never want to stop falling, slowly in love with this man. I want to fall in love with him even when we argue, because deep down I’ll love how passionate he is about whatever it is we are arguing over. I want to love someone so much that I get hot and cold when I see or hear them. I want my stomach to forever flip & sink when I think of them. I want to love someone more than I want someone to love me. I can’t wait for someone to love me the way that I want to & will love them. So, together, we’ll always be falling, always landing in each others arms and landing on each others lips.’

my heart in a haiku

The intimacy –

My wandering soul craves it.

My life is a shell.

 

I the Afterthought

I’ve finished watching your show and now I’m attending the post show talk against my will. 

I feel like the ice in my non toxic drink. Slowly melting from the hot air you breathe out.

I wipe off the mask I painted on for the day and I stare at myself. 

You are a base for troubles, because you are happiness to them.

Three hours of complaints and not one glance. If they looked they might see past your powder covered cheeks.  

They don’t realise. They don’t see you peel off your porcelain face, revealing your scars to the only person that knows they cut that deep.

You will always be like the sun to some. 

[no title]

Some times I worry that my mind is just going to stop.

That I will go to think but there will be nothing.

 Blank. But still full. 

Bursting at the capacity and weight of my thoughts. Jammed inbetween my gears, unable to let the clogs tick on.

My mind is rejigged and my thoughts move out of place. Pushing ones to the front that were growing new identities.

I feel guilt for things that I thought were forgotten months ago. 

I’m sorry I let you down.

I feel shame for episodes in past years.

And embarrassment for old stories still untold.

My not so secret thoughts. 

Tonight and this morning I am plagued with our time.

Short and sweet, I kicked a pup and lead a kitten along with a string. What if I’d stayed one day longer and talked one hour more. 

I wonder if you’d made a difference. 

And that is why you trickle through my thoughts, like a recycling waterfall I left at the store. 

Permission

Can I be close to you? And can I hold your hand? 

I’m asking permission 

and I realise that if it was right,  

I shouldn’t have to. 
Be here with me now.

I make demands that won’t be met 

Or calculated. 

These are what we call mistakes.

And these are what we strive to avoid.

But should we avoid what makes us?

Discard it like a bad idea?

Or forget it like the nightmare of last night? 
I am lost. 

And I’m asking permission as a way of direction.

Direct me.

Lead me.

Not astray but away from this pain.

Away from the empty void I can’t seem to fill.

Away from this losing battle that I can’t fight.

Away from the aching when the stars come out to tease.

For our wishes are never granted,

Only achieved. 

Static

The unexpected to come has come and yet it was expected. 

I wished and dreamed for the future to be untold and unwritten,

My fortune is my own and I read it into the drain.

Rinsing these months with scorching water but the mundane stains remain.

Efforts are poor and attempts are weak.

I lay in the warmth and complain, whilst contemplating what’s to come, even though I’ve already signed the transcript.

The cold bites at my cheeks and pushing is essential. 

Standing is not optional. Take and don’t be static. 

Salvation

He can look at the grey sky and call it blue.

He would wipe away a tear and say it was just an infected wound healing whilst staring through me for hours, telling me he could read my soul.

His view on the ground we walk makes me feel like floating and maybe I saw the moon rise in his eyes.

Mine just froze over.

The day I found him, I lost myself.

Not to him, but to myself. Just like before.

His warmth can’t reach me.

This salvation has imprisoned me.

I watch from afar as he lifts the mist over the lake in which I’ve drowned my doubt. But it’s too deep for him to cross.

I made it that way.

Those who dare drown but he’s the first to build a bridge.

I control the monsters that hide beneath, but I can’t stop them from dragging him below. I can’t turn my back again as I watch a wounded solider give up, leaving half a heart behind. Ravaged by the beasts I use to guard my heart.

Your foes are my friends.

But you are the only company I wish to keep.

So why can’t I just walk around the edge to meet you, or clear the water I turned so black.

As the auburn leaves fall, they take my doubts with them, but I am still. And I wait.

Willing myself to tread them into the ground. 

I am not in control.

So I stay.

Waiting for the release I hide from myself.

Alexandria

Watch the dust dance, golden light pouring through the tree tops like liquid, surrounding and warming the partials at play. 

You are the liquid gold and I drink in your knowledge and kindness, watching as the light spreads, illuminating my body, shimmering through our eyes, growing brighter with every moment shared. 

We are connected through the simplicity of the soul. Through the trials of sanity and the hours of delirium.

We are not one, we are better, because we are two. Two views to share and debate, two accounts of our infinite memories and two hearts. Each holding the other, ever closer, ever tighter. When they’re oceans apart, our lights will not extinguish, they will burn brighter, if only to light the path home.